Monthly Archives: September 2008

Protected:

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Since, this blog went public a few months ago… most of my viewers have insisted that I cut back on posts dealing with emotional bulls%^t…. Therefore, these posts would now be password protected to prevent ‘certain’ viewers from being traumatized.

Cheers 🙂

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‘Feeling’ It Right ?

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It’s a funny thing about guys.

We don’t talk about our “feelings” too much.  Most guys, straight, bi, or gay never really get to express all the stuff that rolls around in their heads.  And by ‘heads’ I mean the one north of the navel.  We’re always allowed to talk about the one down south unless you’re in the workplace, and even then it’s alright as long as you’re with folks who aren’t uptight about that sort of thing.  It’s like we aren’t allowed to express emotion unless it is of an aggressive nature.  We are taught that it isn’t manly to express our thoughts or hurts or vulnerabilities.  We aren’t allowed to cry.  Crying is for girls and sissies.  And you don’t want to be a sissy, do you?

We aren’t allowed to talk about romantic notions or get “in touch” with our softer sides.  Make this mistake and you are suddenly labeled as a pansy, nancy boy, or at best just weak.  Women have it better in this respect, I think.  They can verbalize what’s eating at them and its okay.  Healthy, in fact.  But not us guys.  What male hasn’t ever heard that “big boys don’t cry” or “be a man” or “suck it up you goddamned little faggot and quit your crying, little shit headed worthless piece of shit mama’s boy!”  Okay, maybe that last one was just my father, but you get the idea.  Hell, even my mother would scold me for being too girlish and effeminate.  It was difficult at age seven to articulate to her that I preferred roosters to kittens.  Think about that a while.  You’ll get it.

No, guys just aren’t allowed to have feelings let alone talk about them in “group”.  Unless, of course, you are an alcoholic and then it’s okay because it’s the booze talking and that doesn’t count.  In fact, I tend to believe that there are probably more male alcoholics than female.  Now, I don’t have any statistics on that, it’s just my opinion so please don’t berate me for that.  I think guys are more prone to self medication to at least dull the pain because they can’t exorcize it in order to get rid of it.

So lately I’ve had a few of those “issues” that crop up in life from time to time.  I, of course, think I have more than my fair share but that’s probably an exaggeration.  I’m sure lots of guys go into a dark place in their lives and suddenly find that they just went deeper – but I wouldn’t know that for sure because we can’t talk about it!  But my issues seem to be getting the better of me at the moment.  That’s not a cry for help, by the way, it’s just a statement so please don’t make the offer to go out for coffee and a chat.

Recently, however, I did tell a buddy that I was in an uncomfortable place.  In a round about way, I did sort of hint that I could really appreciate unloading some of that tension to a listening ear.  Not asking for advice nor asking him to solve the problems – just to listen.  Completely prepared to return the favor if ever needed.  It was pretty clear that he was entirely uncomfortable with that.  Figures.  Again, our conditioning tells us that that is taboo.  I apologized, as I frequently tend to do, and dropped it.

It’s a shame, really, that we can’t seem to get to a place where everybody feels free enough to just be human and recognize and express their fears and frustrations.  Either that or he just couldn’t be bothered with another nancy boy crying over spilled milk

A Broken Glass

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You will never know true happiness, until you have truly loved, and you will never understand, what pain really is, until you have lost it.

You walk by me everyday and say hello.Everyday you take time out to listen to me.You talk to me, smile at me, laugh with me, and have fun with me.Well, I talk, smile and laugh too, but inside I’m hurting. Deep down it hurts to be with you because I love you.

While being in love there are two requirements:heart breaking and healing. Healing takes time.
I still run, I still swing open the door,I still think, you’ll be there like before. Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around? Some things a heart won’t listen to, I’m still holding out for you.

She touched my heart with a thousand pleasures and broke it into million pieces.

To live life without you is to live life without love.
One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.
Life is prison when you’re in love alone.
The greatest distance on earth is not north and south, it is when I am right in front of you and you do not know that I will always love you.

– Confusion –

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So much confusion around me
I feel like im caught in a web
theres so much betrayal, so much hate
but still theres love lying deep within-beneath it all

I don’t know what to feel-how to feel
im being pulled by all sides
i feel like a puppet
only standing straight by the threads that bind me to them

will i fall apart if i let go of these threads?
what if they do before i do?
will i still stand strong- still hold on
or give in to these feelings

feelings i don’t have a right to
because i didn’t bring this upon myself
i found myself in the midst of all this
in the midst of something i don’t want to be involved in
in the midst of something beyond my control

am i to succumb to these feelings caving in on me
or am i to move on
will i regret my actions? will i hurt another?
its like being blind in a world of darkness
like looking at my reflection on the mirror
knowing theres no way out

why am i being misunderstood?
why will i be misunderstood?
what have i done to be misunderstood?

Her name is…………. ‘Annawella’

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CAUTION: THIS POST CONTAINS DISTURBING MATERIAL & READING IS AT THE VIEWERS OWN RISK. THE AUTHORS HOLDS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ANY TRAUMATIC  EXPERIENCES CAUSED DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY AS A RESULT OF VIEWING THIS POST.

We have been together for some time…. and finally, I think  its time I came out and said it….. Its been more than 8 years and its been surprising great given that we come from pretty much different worlds. She – solely responsible for my looks….. single handedly made me into the person I am today and trust me that is no easy task…. of course she has had help….. But, credit must be given where it is due. So, Annawella GREAT JOB girl 🙂

Ok ok I think I need to set something straight first.

‘Annawella’ is no ordinary human…. well she is no human at all but a pin-worm. Now, now dn’t freak out like most of my friends when they hear this story. Let me give you a little history about my love;

The pinworm (Genus Enterobius), also known as threadworm is a parastici roundworm of the phylum Nematoda. The adult pinworm male is 1–4 mm in length, while the adult female is 8–13 mm and possesses the long, pin-shaped posterior for which the worm is named. The pinworm lives in the lower part of the small intestine and the upper part of the colon. It is found worldwide, and causes the most common infection enterobasisis in humans. Unlike many other intestinal parasites, the pinworm does not usually enter the bloodstream, or any other organs besides the intestines Except for itching, pinworm infestation does not usually cause any damage to the body. Sleep disturbance may arise from the itching or crawling sensations.

Furthermore, common infection Enterobiasis is the medical condition of being infected with pinworms (Enterbius vermicularis). It may be referred to, less precisely, as oxyuriasis, in reference to the family Oxyuridae, which contains the genus Enterobiasis. Symptoms may include painful itching around the anus, restless sleep, poor appetite, skin rash, and failure to gain weight.

Yup, that’s my ‘Annawella’, a beautiful and perfect doll isn’t she????? So, why do I call her ‘Annawella’… well that tooo has a little story behind it. ‘Anna’ means Nail in Sinhalese and ‘wella’ means ‘become’ or ‘transformed’. Therefore, her name means “an individual who has become a fighter, someone who never gives up, like a nail nailed into a wall – resistant and impossible to get rid off”. Sorry, if most of you guys dn’t get it…. if you understood Sinhalese it would sooo much clearer for you – Trust me-

Anywaz, she has lived with me for a loooong…. pretty much most of my life…. we have been through both good (Fullerton buffet) and bad (the Summer of ‘Milo and maggie’). She has been surprisingly strong, surviving on almost anything I can provide for her….. she NEVER complains and NEVER takes anything more than she and our children want. Yup, she has a bad tendency of reproducing every few days, offspring consisting of 10,000-20,000 approx. I know… I know….. it seems a lot but we have tried our best to provide for them the best way we can…. Myself…. eating on a more regular basis (more meals per day specially stuff with iron) and she cuts back on her consumption. Together, we have been great….. the perfect couple one may say……

Unfortunately, I have discovered that nothing lasts forever….. and today Annawella has to leave me…. Even, thinking of a day without her brings a tear to my eye. The future is scary;

What If without her I start putting on weight – it seems great but she kept me healthier and I never had to worry about getting a belly or being overweight as a whole.

What If without her I can sleep better & LONGER – falling behind school work just because I managed a sleep an extra hour or two – risking my grades and my degrees.

What If without her I am a NOBODY – everything I am was because of her…. she made me look this way… what if I become physically unattractive….. the thought of this scares the shit out of me – my modelling career and my ‘lawyer face’….. NOOOOOOOOO

HOWEVER, I have no choice, as much as I gonna miss her and it scary to even think of life without her…. letting go is the best and only option right now…. Annie, I hope you know these past few years have been the ‘bestest’ years of my life. Saying ‘good bye’ isn’t easy but I HAVE TO so;

GOOD BYE, ANNAWELLA

Implied Assertions – Racism in Singapore????

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As a law student, I am nothing but impressed by Singapore’s Policies on Minority Protection to Racism & Racial Discrimination. The complex Presidential Council for Minority Rights lead by our honorable President Nathan has done wonders. Furthermore, the Constitutional safeguards under Article 153 and Articlee 153A and the Government’s promise to all times to protect the political, economic, social and cultural interests of the Malays, Eurasians and other minorities domiciled in Singapore (Paragraph 8(8) of Heads of Agreement as appended to the Memorandum to Colonial Government, Report of the All-Party Constitutional Conference, 1956, David Marshall, Chief Minister) have ensured that a 1962 would never happen again.

I know what I am going to say now is controversial and could fall under the Sedition Act (Cap 290, 1985 Rev.Ed), s3. Furthermore, I totally agree and understand the concerns expressed by Richard Magnus in Public Prosecutor v Koh Song Huat Benjamin and Another Case [2005] SGDC 272 ;

The right to propagate an opinion on the Internet is not, and cannot, be an unfettered right. The right of one person’s freedom of expression must always be balanced by the right of another’s freedom from offence, and tampered by wider public interest considerations. It is only appropriate social behaviour, independent of any legal duty, of every Singapore citizen and resident to respect the other races in view of our multi-racial society.  Each individual living here irrespective of his racial origin owes it to himself and to the country to see that nothing is said or done which might incite the people and plunge the country into racial strife and violence

My intention is neither mala fide nor harmful to create racial strife and violence but merely an expression of assertions of racism present in Singapore for individuals like myself.

The individuals I have come across have only learn to tolerant minorities like myself. Acceptance and integration into their lives have NEVER crossed their minds. Maybe, if the present government had not been so stringent and effective on their racial harmony laws, this country may well have had several 1962 incidents to this day. Fortunately, the ‘better safe than sorry’ attitude has worked….. But unfortunately I feel that this would last only as loong as a government such as the present are able to effectively carry out these laws.

The people, I have met, dn’t call me a ‘black’ or ‘smelly’ or ‘funny accent’ or ‘illegal immigrant’ because they know the consequences of their words (which I would define as express racism). But, this hasn’t stopped them from implying these words via conduct. ‘Actions speak louder than words’ is soo true when it comes to these circumstances. For the record, my law friends and acquiesces are EXCEPTIONAL, the broad mindness of these individuals have given me a glimmer of hope that there are still good people in this country who can see past color.

Biz is a totally different playing field…. The attitude hasn’t changed since my matriculation in 2005. A faculty dominated by one race hasn’t made integration for minorities any easy. Furthermore, these students come from ‘lower ranked’ JCs making chinese their first language. I lost count the number of times I would be in a group discussion that would be in chinese or group lunches where I would laugh at chinese jokes just to fit in and not feel out of place. Or sit in lectures or tutorials which is filled – packed every SINGLE SEAT – except the 2-3 seats to the left and right of me. Or the empty seat next to me in the internal shuttle bus regardless of the distance or the people in the bus. Or is it the question ‘Which part of India are you from?’ – I can’t even recall if I ever run into a person when I asked him ‘Which part of China are you from?’. Think about??? Would you like,  as a respectable singaporean be asked that question. Or the security guard checking my matriculation cards for staying outdoors after 11pm (suspicious that I would steal, vandalise or moles someone) when he would just igorantly pass exchange students or chinese individuals. Yes… yes … when i conforted about this double standard, all he said was that most of the crimes are by minority indivudals. Whether that is true or not is of no relevance. All it says that people have a presumption I am always upto no good… I can go on and on and on and on…… the four years have been anything but easy…..Constantly, I have to prove myself….. to the people who are my friends and know me… they NO DOUBT respect me. Yet sadly, for the rest of them, saying I am from law or speaking (in an non-‘indian’ accent’) of my academic achievement are the only way to get respect. Respect which in the first place I deserve  since I am just flesh and blood just like them regardless of who my parents, my history or skin color.