Not YET or Maybe NOW

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“Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn’t love” — Garrison Keillor

The Original Story and Post was by Brian Berns, I have adopted some or all of the contents while making my own amendments.

In the 2003, I fell in love with a girl. We had an intense platonic relationship all through High School and several years into college. Unrequited love may be cliche, but it was the most painful experience of my life.

After our “relationship” finally ended, the memories continued to torment me. Even so, I treasured them, collected them, replayed them mentally. I didn’t want to forget what had happened to me, even if it meant further suffering. Forgetting would force me to accept that the entire experience was pointless, so I preferred instead to wallow in the memories, trying to gain some insight with time and distance.

I hoped that perhaps some explanation for the unexplainable would eventually emerge. It was pathetic, but I didn’t care how it looked to other people. As far as I was concerned, keeping the flame alive was part of the noblest thing I ever did. I was broken and bitter…..

I tried to move away, nearly eight years after my first love and I met, my life is happy and stable. Recently, I’ve noticed that my memories of her are fading on their own. I can’t quite remember who she was with when we first met. I have mixed feelings about letting these memories go, but it’s not really a choice. The time has come to gather up what’s left of the experience in one place and say goodbye. It no longer feels like a self-betrayal to do so.

During quiet times as a growing up adult, my thoughts dwelt constantly on our relationship. I’d be lucky to go five minutes without thinking about her. Then the ugly reality of my predicament would hit me again, making my stomach lurch. When I would awake in the morning and stumble to the shower, I’d usually have a few minutes of blissful peace. Then the memories would slowly tumble back in and I would lean my head against the wall of the shower in agony. Those first few minutes of ignorance were always wonderful, but of course I could only enjoy them in retrospect.

Nowadays, I go several days at a time without thinking painfully of my past love. Perhaps it’s usually a month or so. Keeping track of my thoughts on the matter doesn’t seem as important as it used to. She still appears occasionally in my dreams and I do savor the visits, but I know that the girl behind the dream is long gone.

My involvement with this girl was of some concern to our mutual friends and family at the time. I heard many theories about what was really going on. Most of them thought I was delusional or least very confused. She did her best to keep herself private from my friends, which contributed further to the impression that I was inventing a relationship where nothing really existed.

So that’s why I am writing this: To give a grand sendoff to my memories. To provide them a dignified final resting place. To wipe my hands of their dust and turn away from true love at long last.

I have tried so hard and now I know I am not as strong as you. To cut myself from every memory and every thought of us may seem stupid and foolish but I am running out of options.

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3 responses »

  1. Hi Brian,

    First my apologizes.

    I have amended the post accordingly which can be found here:
    https://offbrown.wordpress.com/2008/12/10/not-yet-or-maybe-now/

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