You will NEVER know


How hard I have tried you will never know. I promised myself not to blog about this. Even to blog about it is to accept the unacceptable truth that certain feelings would never change. But NEVER is something I can no longer hold on to. For so many years, I have cling onto something that has now scarred me forever. Something I know time cannot heal. For the preachers who say ‘time heals everything’. I say ‘bullshit’…. Can we ever forget the past, memories that have defined and molded you into the person you are today. To forget the past is to live in denial… denial which someday would catch up to you and then what ???

I have tried…. so many things…. so many ways…. things people couldn’t imagine… things people would condemn…. Things that have lead to only one thing…. the undeniable truth that every night I am still reminded of those vivid memories I have worked so hard to forget. To do what I did is desperation, options have rapidly closed around me to the point where only pure stupidity seems to provide a solution.

So this is a simple plea from a stupid guy….. I do not expect you to understand my decision. Logically, I know I am wrong and what I am doing is absolutely stupid and meaningless. Under this ‘arrogant and condiscending’ ego is a guy who fights every second to prevent those memories from flooding my mind. A battle that no one can ever understand or comprehend. A battle I have lost so many times that sometimes I wonder maybe i am destined to be defeated…. Arghhhhh…. for what I done now is only my sad and desperate attempt to prevent an inevitability…. So I do beg from you… please don’t sit in that comfortable high chair and judge my actions when no one (not even me) is capable of comprehending this agony and anguish……

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