Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t me. It can be such a burden having this kind of determination and ego. The few months here have been anything short than magical. I have partied almost every weekday and travelled amongst every fortnight. Of course, this has taken a considerable toll on my academics. Yet, even with such a minimum amount of studying I am in the top 5% of the class for most of my mid-terms examinations.
That should make me happy right ? Sadly No, my ego still want 100% for my mid-terms. Why ? Because, I know the exams were easy and there is still 1 student who got better than me. The fact that she is a hungarian student, which fits the ‘nerd’ stereotype doesn’t help satisfy my ego.
What frightens me the most about this is that it proves how constantly unsatisfied I am. My ego demands that I am THE best at everything. It takes no excuses: the fact that I have had the best social life EVER is irrelevant for this ‘poor’ academic performance. Any other person (all ERASMUS students) would be more than delighted to be in my shoes. Yet, this provides no comfort to my ego.
I think it has set its own bar – a bar which it keeps on raising as I keep on getting closer to it. I can remember during my N’ Levels, all it ‘wanted’ was 4 As out of 7. Then, as I approached my A’ Levels, it was 4As out of 4. Then, Dean’s list in University, a double degree involving law, top student on exchange. Seriously, at this rate my ego is gonna kill me or make me the most successful man in the modern world. Now, the former seems so likely rather than the latter.
Sometimes, I wish I was always happy like I feel when I am out here at night. No great expectations- No unbearable pressure 🙂