The Perfect Toilet Experience

Standard

Note: The following jokes have been initially drafted by Richard (UK based Comedian). The Jokes have been modified and redrafted to suit the writers specific objectives.

Classifications:

  • The Perfect Dump
    • Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
  • The Mona Lisa Dump –
    • This is the masterpiece of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far

Emergency Cases

  • The Empty Roll Dump
    • You’re done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say “Where are the curtains?” Then what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every “empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
  • The Security Dump
    • You have enough on your mind when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to do this…hum loudly

No one likes BUT you

  • The Splash Back Dump
    • You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip Blot instead of wiping.
  • The Cling-On Dump
    • For the most part you’ve completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
  • The Childbirth Dump
    • This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming “Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf”. You realize you’ll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it

God’s Little Creation

  • The Proctologist Dump
    • In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

When EVERYTHING goes NO NO

  • The Sound Effect Dump
    • You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
  • The Graffiti Dump
    • You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your choice.
  • The Whole Roll Dump
    • No matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste
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