The year was 2009, 2nd of May around 5 something in the morning:
Sitting at Cha-Cha-Cha (Budapest) talking about all the great memories we had over the last few months only opened up more emotional discomfort. And then you cried, those tears leaving me confused and helpless. This was never meant to be serious. You knew about what I have been through, how its been and how it was going to turn out. Yet, we gave too much…..
If only things could be different. I would risk it all because of a girl like you because end of the day isn’t that what life is about. And hope you know that I meant it this time, every single word – these were meaningful well-selected words and not the 14 February 2011 kind. Maybe, if everything works out – in a year or two we can try this all over again”.
A few years back, in early 2008:
During quiet times as a growing up adult, my thoughts dwelt constantly on our relationship. I’d be lucky to go five minutes without thinking about her. Then the ugly reality of my predicament would hit me again, making my stomach lurch. When I would awake in the morning and stumble to the shower, I’d usually have a few minutes of blissful peace. Then the memories would slowly tumble back in and I would lean my head against the wall of the shower in agony. Those first few minutes of ignorance were always wonderful, but of course I could only enjoy them in retrospect
The last couple weeks, I have being thinking about all my previous relationships, every single one of them. Its not that I was bored or really had nothing else to do but I wanted an answer. An answer to a question that has been on my mind for more than a month now:
Why have relationships been so bad to me
This question took some time to craft, initially it was “Why do I always date the wrong women”, “Why must all of my relationship be so complicated?”, “Why can’t I date a simple women?”, “Why do I have such a bad taste in women?” Somehow, none of these questions could provide me the answer I was looking for. It is important to sometimes ask the right question in order to get the right answer. This was one of those cases.
It’s not been all bad, lets be honest but it’s never been really that good either. From teenage love, summer love, causal relationships to “getting to know each other” to “dating a friend”, I would be lying to myself if I said I have not explored all of them. Yet, now I have the same look on my face as the “12 –year old” me; “confused and lost” not knowing what I really want in a relationship. The only difference between the two of us maybe the fact that “he” didn’t know better and I have gone the “full cycle”.
I thought of an interesting analogy to describe my emotions rights now:
I am a shopping mall shopper when it comes to buying shirts. I don’t do online shopping and I hate it when people buy me clothes. Why? Because I like to see what it looks like, touch it and know how it feels on my skin, compare it with other colors and brands and finally wear it to see how it fits. It’s an arduous process but my physical appearance is unique; too skinny for an “Indian”, too tall for a “Chinese” and too dark for a “Westerner”.
Similarly, I now do think I am emotionally unique for a guy whether it is because of my history or genetic traits, I really cannot say. I do honestly believe that I am not the very picky kind when it comes to a relationship. Maybe, a little but hey ain’t we all! And you would think that a guy who writes so much on emotions and relationships should have some idea what the hell he is doing right? Ah, theory and practice.
For the last two years, I honestly thought I did, I thought I knew exactly what kind of partner I wanted to date and with that one-minded view I now know I missed “obvious” doors.
I think it’s mainly my self-confidence and that belief that I can’t do any better. When someone hasn’t had much love in their life, even a minute amount of attention or care from someone is like a raindrop in the desert. Its only one drop and its not going to make any difference to the desert yet it’s a big deal and makes the desert hope that this is first raindrop of many. This build up or expectation only leads to eventual heartache and misery. The worst part about this is its not even the raindrop’s fault.