One would easily imagine that if you are extremely busy with work and you really didn’t have time for anything except finishing up your backlog of files, you wouldn’t be thinking about emotional stuff like this. But, I do albeit I know I shouldn’t.
You know that feeling when you’re just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let out everything that you have kept in all day? Its been a long day, 14-16 hours of non-stop continuous work surely would make anyone tried and why would you be any different.
Then it hits you and you notice that really nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you’re tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay, but you know no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. No one has ever truly been there for you. There have been people, some have been somebodies while others have become nobodies over the years.
Now, you’re tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won’t be, but you’re still hoping and you’re still wishing and you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.
Fighting not because you know you can win. You can never win. But you know it’s important to keep fighting. You learnt that from somebody who herself finally lost her last battle i.e death. She told you “Always remember that you never win. Never will. That’s not why we fight. We do it because there are things worth fighting for”. Love, Family, Humanity – saving the World – one loved person or random stranger at a time.
But, who will fight for you? Who will rescue you while you rescue the world?
There are those days, you know, the days when your mind just ponders, wanders aimlessly when it very well knows that there are deadlines to be met and bosses to keep happy. Once in awhile, this aimless wandering mind comes across emotional scars. These are memories that you thought, although erroneously, that time would make you forget. You deserve to forget them. You earned that right. They were bad experiences and you fought hard, really hard and eventually overcame them. Now, you deserve the taste of sweet victory right? Wrong.
These can be memories about love, family and life. Memories that shaped you and were responsible for bringing you to where you are, but memories that torment and frighten you. These are bad memories but your mind recalls them as explicitly and accurately as if they happened only yesterday. Why? Here’s a simple analogy:
It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. You have survived. You knew it was going to be a painful exercise but you knew it must be done, a battle that must be fought. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just cause it was once hurting you doesn’t mean you don’t notice it now. It leaves a gap, call it a battle scar if you may and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. Should you have kept the tooth? No, cause it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.
You know you must fight and that every fight reminds you that you are stronger than you thought you were. Unfortunately, these fights have left me with countless battle scars. Sometimes you think maybe you should stop fighting just so you can see who will fight for you. Then reality hits you and no amount of work can make it away.
Time to put on your strong face and solve everyone else’s problems, the world has no place for weak men.