Big Boys Don’t Cry

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Why? why do people say that? why don’t guys cry? or why do they lie about it? what’s so bad about letting those tears roll down your cheek?

Let me jam my foot in the door here. I am a guy, and I remember the last time I cried. ok, admittedly, I don’t cry very often. but its not like I don’t cry at all. and each time i do, its the most human feeling I have ever felt.

I try hard to hold it back, I clench my fists and grit my teeth and tell myself to stop thinking about it. I shut the light off and sit on my bed. but the feeling overwhelms me and i feel hopeless in a moment of fuzzy haunting peace and then it happens.  my eyes shut tight, my head pointing towards the ceiling, a single tear drop escapes the corner of my right eye and inches down my cheek, cooling my warm face and making me shudder. not far behind, the left eye joins in the generosity and sends, what seems like a flood, through. soon enough, my spirit seems to be absolutely vulnerable as a small puddle forms on the floor below me.

It feels peaceful, in that moment of emptiness. that’s when I reach for my ipod and, in the darkness, I play “that song”. Its in that moment that I lose control. It seems like my heart has a mind of its own and its as if the music that comes out is my soul weeping and recovering from the emotional flood that had just overcome me.

The music brings me back from a warped feeling. I let the music heal me, fill me up entirely.

I set my ipod down and get up to wash my face. I don’t look in the mirror, because I don’t wish to see myself so weak, overcome by emotions. I am a guy after all. I am not supposed to break. I am not supposed to cry. I am supposed to be a pillar. am I not?

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