I wanted to kiss her, but of course I didn’t. I wondered why I resisted, when in the past I had always followed my impulses with not much thought of consequences. Maybe because it didn’t feel like a game with her… the way it had with so many others before. Maybe because I had more to lose. Blurring the line between friendship & attraction was a surefire way to lose a friend.
I must admit, I saw it coming. I had that uneasy feeling and a few of my close male friends have warned me about this inevitability. “You know guys and girls can’t be friends right? especially close friends.” Maybe.
Then it happened. Suddenly without any prior warning, the World was never the same again. The air between us had gotten harder to breathe. I’d run away if I could help it, but you were always my end destination. Whom do I now run to? You’re as close to me as ever, but things have changed, I must admit.
Eventually, I hope that I would forget it all. Its natural, isn’t it? First, you forget everything you learned – the dates of wars and the keynesian theory. You especially forget everything you didn’t really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers and work colleagues; and eventually you forget those, too. You forget your A/L class schedule and where you used to sit, and your best friend’s home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times.
And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations – even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. Your wounds turn to scars then to memories and finally there are mere fragments, which are infused with others and slowly become unrecognisable. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who got grade goods, who threw the best parties and the crazy party animals, who had the most friends – you forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They’re the last to go. And once you’ve forgotten enough, you love someone else.
Because thats what life’s about. Its about the time where you lay in the grass next to someone you love. “Its about the color of the sky, its about the roaring fire on a winter eve“. Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds. Everyone laughs, cries, smiles, and loves. And that’s all that it is. There’s no meaning of life, its nothing that can be defined. Its a matter of writing your own definition.
I know that someday I will regret these decisions in my life, they are the right decisions now but with hindsight, describing them as foolish doesn’t do enough justice to how wrong they were.
They say you die twice – the first time is when you stop breathing, and the second is when that someone says your name for the last time. Goodbyes are hard because you never know if you would ever hear those very lips utter a “Hi” again. I have had my share of goodbyes. Maybe, too many than I would like. And its that fear which makes us hold on dearly to those whom mean the world to us.