What kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call.“
— Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are — that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person — someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience”
I have lived in Asia my whole life. Born in a tranquil Island country, I spend my formative years growing up without a real idea of what standard of living citizens of developed countries lived. Whilst I never regretted the lifestyle I had growing up, I grew up watching western television shows, which fed me with crumbs of what life could be, if I only dreamed.
Blessed are the stupid. The utterly mediocre and blissfully shallow, whose days revolve around petty pop culture issues and which girl in the club they’ll fuck tonight.
Cursed are us the outcasts. The open minds and souls whose empathy runs deeper than a well. We see the polluted smoke of poverty, the aching futility of hope. Those who see past the social games, booze, and small talk. Who feel the loneliness of a thousand universes darkening inside of us.
We remember and feel each heart ache, each pain, each bad memory, and each disappointing thought. Our existence passes by so slowly. How sad it is to live in a world consumed by our own sadness.
Cursed are us, the solitary, the invisible, the unloved, whose eyes are open to see life for how it really is. We, us, who feel everything, though we are nothing at the same time.
As I have grown up (and believe me I have grown up quite a lot the last 5 years), I learnt that even the one person that wasn’t suppose to ever let you down, probably will. It is not that person’s fault. Blame it on your expectations and selfishness.
It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough