Tag Archives: Emotional baggage

Not YET or Maybe NOW

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“Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn’t love” — Garrison Keillor

The Original Story and Post was by Brian Berns, I have adopted some or all of the contents while making my own amendments.

In the 2003, I fell in love with a girl. We had an intense platonic relationship all through High School and several years into college. Unrequited love may be cliche, but it was the most painful experience of my life.

After our “relationship” finally ended, the memories continued to torment me. Even so, I treasured them, collected them, replayed them mentally. I didn’t want to forget what had happened to me, even if it meant further suffering. Forgetting would force me to accept that the entire experience was pointless, so I preferred instead to wallow in the memories, trying to gain some insight with time and distance.

I hoped that perhaps some explanation for the unexplainable would eventually emerge. It was pathetic, but I didn’t care how it looked to other people. As far as I was concerned, keeping the flame alive was part of the noblest thing I ever did. I was broken and bitter…..

I tried to move away, nearly eight years after my first love and I met, my life is happy and stable. Recently, I’ve noticed that my memories of her are fading on their own. I can’t quite remember who she was with when we first met. I have mixed feelings about letting these memories go, but it’s not really a choice. The time has come to gather up what’s left of the experience in one place and say goodbye. It no longer feels like a self-betrayal to do so.

During quiet times as a growing up adult, my thoughts dwelt constantly on our relationship. I’d be lucky to go five minutes without thinking about her. Then the ugly reality of my predicament would hit me again, making my stomach lurch. When I would awake in the morning and stumble to the shower, I’d usually have a few minutes of blissful peace. Then the memories would slowly tumble back in and I would lean my head against the wall of the shower in agony. Those first few minutes of ignorance were always wonderful, but of course I could only enjoy them in retrospect.

Nowadays, I go several days at a time without thinking painfully of my past love. Perhaps it’s usually a month or so. Keeping track of my thoughts on the matter doesn’t seem as important as it used to. She still appears occasionally in my dreams and I do savor the visits, but I know that the girl behind the dream is long gone.

My involvement with this girl was of some concern to our mutual friends and family at the time. I heard many theories about what was really going on. Most of them thought I was delusional or least very confused. She did her best to keep herself private from my friends, which contributed further to the impression that I was inventing a relationship where nothing really existed.

So that’s why I am writing this: To give a grand sendoff to my memories. To provide them a dignified final resting place. To wipe my hands of their dust and turn away from true love at long last.

I have tried so hard and now I know I am not as strong as you. To cut myself from every memory and every thought of us may seem stupid and foolish but I am running out of options.

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Waitin’ Fears

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So today, I was watching the first and only interview done by Lo Hwei Yen’s husband. As expected, it was definitely an emotional interview, he said certain things about their life, which really took me by surprise. The feeling I got from what he said was that he knew exactly how important she was in his life while they were together. So it got me thinking about an old saying

You don’t know what you have until you lose it

  • But honestly after listening to him, I get the feeling it is not like that. You always know what you have, you just never thought you would lose it……..Sometimes no matter how much you miss someone it’s still wiser not to have that person… back again.
  • Hearts are easily torn but can also be sown together by someone who cares…… Though the scars won’t fade, the stitches will always be there to remind you that someone loves you enough to keep you whole again.
  • Goodbyes make you think…… They make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost and what you’ve taken for granted. They make you realize that sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances….. Makes you reflect about the time you skipped dinner with your gf/wife to watch soccer with the guys cos you knew you would always have dinner with her tmrw…..
  • It’s okay to cry as hard and as long as you want to. Just make sure that when you stop crying, you won’t cry for the same reason anymore.
  • It’s not easy letting go of someone you’ve put everything into. But it’s harder to realize later on that you’ve been holding on to something that wasn’t there… anymore.

Moving on my usual emotional issues:

  • How can we love people who don’t seem to make things worth at all? Why do we become so numb caring for people whom at times don’t even think of us in a day or two? Why do we let ourselves hurt and continue hoping for a love that makes us defenseless?
  • And why do we prioritize these people who only choose us as options? Are these the reasons why sometimes in love we end up losing ourselves? Sad but true…
  • Pain is when you can’t breathe even if your chest still rises and falls……Sadness is when you look out the window and think the rain are your tears……. Loneliness is when you still feel a hand touching yours even if there’s none…… Desperation is when you wait for a message that will never come…. Then love is merely when you experience all those things and still open your heart to that someone.
  • Don’t be bitter and full of hatred when the one you love doesn’t love you the way you love her/him or worst yet lose the one you love…… Ask, listen and let go. Don’t force yourself to understand when you can’t, to fight hard when obviously it’s over and to play deaf to the nagging truth that what you’ve had doesn’t work and won’t work anymore. Instead, say: “I have loved you more than you think I would, but I feel sorry that you’ve lost your chance to be loved more than you would ever feel in your life after this…”
  • In life, we always search for answers because we want to prove ourselves that we had the right decisions but the truth is we can’t search for what is not there……. Things happen because it is meant to happen. That’s why we forgive people even if they hurt us, we love people who don’t love us and we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts……. At the end of the day, the lesson you get are the answers to your decisions.
  • When something is over, don’t always think that it can start again. When it’s broken, you can’t always put back all the pieces… life is not the way you want it to be, when you know that someone is hurting you so much, just stop! It hurts a lot, but you must learn to let go. Don’t’ push yourself too hard, just remember that in every ending, there’s such a thing that we call… beginning.
  • Sometimes you need to set things free even though it’s hard. Things may not be the same but soon you’ll see that what you did is far better than before.

Leftovers….. Never Pretty

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To come to this…… to argue like this… really?? Is this what things have come to….

20 minutes…. that all its takes…. In less than 20 minutes I can pretty much comprehend anything academics can throw at me…. But when it came to you…. I spend so many years… countless nights… infinite breathes trying to understand. The more I tried to understand the less it made sense and the less it made sense the less I tried.

To call me selfish… really??? Try spending one’s whole teenage life waiting for a hope constantly reinforced by a teenager’s lies…….. Yeah, true I never understood what was going through your head….. that’s why every time you said goodbye… I would wait patiently for the next ‘hi’. That’s why I sticked around…. thats why I didn’t move on…. Even to this day I dn’t regret that but sometimes I do wonder if you would ever know the kind of choices I had to make. Try growing up with constant disappointment and lies and trying to get away from it only to run into something only oh so familiar…..Maybe, I could have taken a little more time off my studies to listen….. been more understanding…. taken a few more chances…. Why didn’t I? Maybe cos I was reminded of ‘John’

John never listened to logic and reason…. like most infants every time he saw a naked flame all he wanted to get close it. It was attracted by its glow, brilliance and radiance. His mom warned him, his dad hit him, his elder brother screamed at him but every time he never listened…. every time he got burnt …. yet the scars never mattered why? cos it was worth that feeling he got when it was close to that flame. John grew up and soon he reached a point where he started wondering is this all worth it? A few seconds of pleasure for GUARANTEED ever lasting scars? Even the stupidest kid would learn…. but John was not like any ordinary kid… he hasn’t been thinking practically and logically…. Then one day he did….

After that he did become selfish… he learned to protect himself…. he learned not to get too close…. Maybe he was wrong but at least he was getting any new wounds……

After sometime…. even John got it…. Why not me?

2024

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“Shit”……Not again… Its almost 7.30pm and as usual, I didn’t keep track of time . I promised (she made me swear) that this time it would be different. I had to yell at Adam to fly me back as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it was just in vain. Now, I am rushing through the city trying desperately to at least show up. Liz and Shuan would have been there by now…. It was always me, whether its a family dinner, a birthday or just a family outing. Sometimes, its surprising how much of Kristine’s and Shuan’s life I have missed.

God has definitely blessed me to have Liz in my life, sometimes I wonder what I would have done without her, not only can she manage her work, she still has time pick the kids from skol and rush home to prepare dinner. Most women would never be able to understand my life (and I dn’t expect most to either), yet Liz has been surprisingly been supportive. For 8 years now, she had not only been tolerant but has on countless times explained to the kids why their dad can’t be there. Sometimes, I feel i have been a bad husband or worst a bad father.

Exhausted….. finally, i get to the Hall only to see the audience giving a standing ovation. Through the applauding audience, I managed to grab a glimpse of Kristine on stage…. She looked beautiful… It must have been great tooo. Argh…I missed this too… Now, standing there all I had was the picture (of me, Liz and Shuan seated at the first row looking at performance) which Kristine drew the moment her mom told her I would be coming for this one……So sorry……

A Letter

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Dear Friend,

You came into my life, a sparkle of joy. You make the world so bright, new and alive. Always eager to lend a shoulder or an ear, my life is so much better when you’re around. You held my hand, and you offered me a smile; you sat beside me and listened for awhile. When I lost hope, you gave me a shove; when I felt alone, you offered your hand. All of my days are sure to be better, as long as I have a friend like you to share my pain, my joy, my life.

Love,

A Believer