Tag Archives: Emotional baggage

Weakness

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An element god put in all of us to remind us that end of day we are all human…… Everyone has a weakness(es) irrespective of whether we know of it or not…. To think we are perfect and have no imperfection might itself be ones own weakness…. So after much thought I have just realized my weakness.

It makes me a nice person even for that split second (a drastic shift from my normally portrayed character)…. It makes me care about something besides myself (to be physically attached to something – which I try not to do)…. It makes me shed a tear (in violation of article 77 of the Code of the Brotherhood)…. It distracts me from my studies (trust me so far NOTHING has ever achieved to do that)…..

In other words…… it lowers this solid shield I have built around myself…. It makes me feel vulnerable….  as vulnerable and fragile as it is possible to be. I feel like I am shredded to the core. ….. at a point where I am stripped bare naked. Even, the smallest insignificant thing can spear right through me leaving a scar, which even time cannot heal……. Yet….. I dn’t get rid of it since its the only time in my life when I feel human ….. to know what it feels like to live……..

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A Broken Glass

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You will never know true happiness, until you have truly loved, and you will never understand, what pain really is, until you have lost it.

You walk by me everyday and say hello.Everyday you take time out to listen to me.You talk to me, smile at me, laugh with me, and have fun with me.Well, I talk, smile and laugh too, but inside I’m hurting. Deep down it hurts to be with you because I love you.

While being in love there are two requirements:heart breaking and healing. Healing takes time.
I still run, I still swing open the door,I still think, you’ll be there like before. Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around? Some things a heart won’t listen to, I’m still holding out for you.

She touched my heart with a thousand pleasures and broke it into million pieces.

To live life without you is to live life without love.
One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.
Life is prison when you’re in love alone.
The greatest distance on earth is not north and south, it is when I am right in front of you and you do not know that I will always love you.

Her name is…………. ‘Annawella’

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CAUTION: THIS POST CONTAINS DISTURBING MATERIAL & READING IS AT THE VIEWERS OWN RISK. THE AUTHORS HOLDS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ANY TRAUMATIC  EXPERIENCES CAUSED DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY AS A RESULT OF VIEWING THIS POST.

We have been together for some time…. and finally, I think  its time I came out and said it….. Its been more than 8 years and its been surprising great given that we come from pretty much different worlds. She – solely responsible for my looks….. single handedly made me into the person I am today and trust me that is no easy task…. of course she has had help….. But, credit must be given where it is due. So, Annawella GREAT JOB girl 🙂

Ok ok I think I need to set something straight first.

‘Annawella’ is no ordinary human…. well she is no human at all but a pin-worm. Now, now dn’t freak out like most of my friends when they hear this story. Let me give you a little history about my love;

The pinworm (Genus Enterobius), also known as threadworm is a parastici roundworm of the phylum Nematoda. The adult pinworm male is 1–4 mm in length, while the adult female is 8–13 mm and possesses the long, pin-shaped posterior for which the worm is named. The pinworm lives in the lower part of the small intestine and the upper part of the colon. It is found worldwide, and causes the most common infection enterobasisis in humans. Unlike many other intestinal parasites, the pinworm does not usually enter the bloodstream, or any other organs besides the intestines Except for itching, pinworm infestation does not usually cause any damage to the body. Sleep disturbance may arise from the itching or crawling sensations.

Furthermore, common infection Enterobiasis is the medical condition of being infected with pinworms (Enterbius vermicularis). It may be referred to, less precisely, as oxyuriasis, in reference to the family Oxyuridae, which contains the genus Enterobiasis. Symptoms may include painful itching around the anus, restless sleep, poor appetite, skin rash, and failure to gain weight.

Yup, that’s my ‘Annawella’, a beautiful and perfect doll isn’t she????? So, why do I call her ‘Annawella’… well that tooo has a little story behind it. ‘Anna’ means Nail in Sinhalese and ‘wella’ means ‘become’ or ‘transformed’. Therefore, her name means “an individual who has become a fighter, someone who never gives up, like a nail nailed into a wall – resistant and impossible to get rid off”. Sorry, if most of you guys dn’t get it…. if you understood Sinhalese it would sooo much clearer for you – Trust me-

Anywaz, she has lived with me for a loooong…. pretty much most of my life…. we have been through both good (Fullerton buffet) and bad (the Summer of ‘Milo and maggie’). She has been surprisingly strong, surviving on almost anything I can provide for her….. she NEVER complains and NEVER takes anything more than she and our children want. Yup, she has a bad tendency of reproducing every few days, offspring consisting of 10,000-20,000 approx. I know… I know….. it seems a lot but we have tried our best to provide for them the best way we can…. Myself…. eating on a more regular basis (more meals per day specially stuff with iron) and she cuts back on her consumption. Together, we have been great….. the perfect couple one may say……

Unfortunately, I have discovered that nothing lasts forever….. and today Annawella has to leave me…. Even, thinking of a day without her brings a tear to my eye. The future is scary;

What If without her I start putting on weight – it seems great but she kept me healthier and I never had to worry about getting a belly or being overweight as a whole.

What If without her I can sleep better & LONGER – falling behind school work just because I managed a sleep an extra hour or two – risking my grades and my degrees.

What If without her I am a NOBODY – everything I am was because of her…. she made me look this way… what if I become physically unattractive….. the thought of this scares the shit out of me – my modelling career and my ‘lawyer face’….. NOOOOOOOOO

HOWEVER, I have no choice, as much as I gonna miss her and it scary to even think of life without her…. letting go is the best and only option right now…. Annie, I hope you know these past few years have been the ‘bestest’ years of my life. Saying ‘good bye’ isn’t easy but I HAVE TO so;

GOOD BYE, ANNAWELLA

Walking through ‘Walls’

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There is a part of me that wants to let her in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I dn’t understand why….. maybe thats what strikes me most about her that despite everything she has suffered, she can look at life in the most uncomplicated way.

I’ve never known that kind of faith…… it makes me so sad that people like her who has lost everything can still be open to love while I, who have lost nothing, am not.

Emotional Backlog…..

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This was post was started to write a few weeks back but never managed to write anything that was in my head. Then, I came across this song on 91.3 morning show (which btw I really enjoy) while on the MRT. After, I got to work I youtubed this song and managed to listen to this artist’s other songs as well. These two songs (first: Its not over, second: Over you) just seems to illustrate how things have changed over the last few months. Two months ago I would posted the first song but now the second song just seems so appropriate.

Its Not Over

I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sence.
Your takin away everything
And I can’t do without.

I try to see the good in life.
The good things in life are hard to find.
We’re blowin away, blownin away
Can we make this something good?

Well I’ll try to do to it right this time around
It’s not over,
Try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It’s not over.

I’ve taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We’re wastin too much time
Bein strong, holdin on
Can’t let it bring us down

My life with you means everything
So I won’t give up that easily
Blowin away blowin away
Can make this something good?
Cause it’s all misunderstood?

Well I’ll try to do to it right this time around
It’s not over,
Try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It’s not over.

You can’t let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don’t get caught up in yourself
Let it out.

Let’s start over
Well try to do to it right this time around
Its not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It’s not over.

Lets start over
Its not over
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It’s not over

Over You

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.

(chorus goes on a few more times)