Tag Archives: My life???

Wake up and feel the difference

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Arrogant and condescending

Yeah, that’s what a majority of individuals would describe me as. I am absolutely fine with that description. Honestly, I would consider myself arrogant and condescending.

I suppose my purpose for writing this post is this: I acknowledge to the world that I am condescending and arrogant. But I don’t care and for the people who know me please dn’t tell me this as a negative characteristic I need to change.

I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that I assume everyone shares, and so I often spill the irrelevant yet unique details of things that I have learned to anyone who will listen and find that no one finds it as fascinating as I do. I have been known to rant on many-a-subject that I have recently been devouring information on. And I am used to the typical, “Yeah, I don’t care” or “Really, I didn’t see it that way” response, and it is a response I can respect. But I have decided I am not apologizing for my behavior, because I’ll bet someone may get as excited as me about it, and it will improve their life and general knowledge just a little bit.

While I encourage curiosity, I hold no grudge against those who would rather not expand their horizons. I may feel a little sad at their loss, and this may come off as pity or condescension, but so be it.

Mostly, though, when it comes to knowledge, I encourage everyone to not be afraid of the response “I don’t know,” to any question posed. I have said it many times all over this place, and have asked for information on things that I do not know. While I may regurgitate information, I also ingest it. I actively seek it out. I become excited when I find a topic I have not explored, especially in the ‘grey areas’, where there tend to be very polarized opinions that give me very interesting insights to these unsettled topics.

All in all– I am young. I am naive. I am arrogant, and I am stupid. Stupid, because I still think that I am invincible. That I can go out and conquer the world with what I know. That I can change it. That everyone is worth meeting, and that everyone has a new perspective to share.

One day, when I’m older, I may grow bitter. But today I am content to remain arrogant and stupid. Because I am still better and smarter than you.

Birthday Revelations

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Give a dog a bad name and hang him

A philosophy that makes life easier to understand. When we have a few bad experiences after some time we stereotype those experiences resulting in certain standard results and hence avoiding such experience.For me, getting close to people was such a sterotyped experience only resulting in one thing.

On 6th January 2009, I discovered how wrong I have been about this aspect of life. Pre-6/1/09, one of my core beliefs was that it is never wise tolet people get close to me as it only leads to more bad than good. A stereotypical conclusion, I had drawn from all the bad experiences. When all seemed lost, 6/1/09 changed everything. I experienced something I have NEVER felt before. the sincerity and warmth of those individuals gave me a glimpse of what unconditional love maybe like.

So pro-6/1/09, I am a changed person….. I have faith that there are people worth having in my life….. individuals worth sharing every thought, word and deed. I have been misfortunate so far but as I was slipping on a cold martini watching the sunset at Sentosa, I decided that post-6/1/09 was gonna be a new chapter in my life and now I know there are certain individuals I would want to be there with me……

Going Home, Christmas and Intelligence

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Its been some time…… I have been really busy with my exchange stuff, which is almost done but then again until I land in Hungary I dn’t think this work is gonna really finish.

So I went home at last a few weeks ago. When I mean home, I dn’t mean where I was born but rather where I feel the most safe and comfort, where I am happy and feel so free… yeah for me that’s Raffles Place. I went down to get the visa application stuff done and I got that feeling I have missed so much.I just can’t wait to get out of college and start working there…. 19 more months….

Intelligence, the capacity to deal flexibly and effectively with practical and theoretical problems. Something that college is responsible to build and develop in students. The exams are suppose to provide a good gauge of ones intelligence and rank students accordingly. However, I just feel the exams over here and just not doing that. I know…. the people who raise this argument are the ones who dn’t do good at exams. Even though I don’t fall into this category and actually do quite well in exams, I do believe we need to reevaluate our examination process.

Finally, Christmas in Singapore = Orchard Road decorations. That’s the best Singapore has to offer for Christmas. So we headed out last Friday and definitely it was worth the visit. Some picture are below for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

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Not YET or Maybe NOW

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“Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn’t love” — Garrison Keillor

The Original Story and Post was by Brian Berns, I have adopted some or all of the contents while making my own amendments.

In the 2003, I fell in love with a girl. We had an intense platonic relationship all through High School and several years into college. Unrequited love may be cliche, but it was the most painful experience of my life.

After our “relationship” finally ended, the memories continued to torment me. Even so, I treasured them, collected them, replayed them mentally. I didn’t want to forget what had happened to me, even if it meant further suffering. Forgetting would force me to accept that the entire experience was pointless, so I preferred instead to wallow in the memories, trying to gain some insight with time and distance.

I hoped that perhaps some explanation for the unexplainable would eventually emerge. It was pathetic, but I didn’t care how it looked to other people. As far as I was concerned, keeping the flame alive was part of the noblest thing I ever did. I was broken and bitter…..

I tried to move away, nearly eight years after my first love and I met, my life is happy and stable. Recently, I’ve noticed that my memories of her are fading on their own. I can’t quite remember who she was with when we first met. I have mixed feelings about letting these memories go, but it’s not really a choice. The time has come to gather up what’s left of the experience in one place and say goodbye. It no longer feels like a self-betrayal to do so.

During quiet times as a growing up adult, my thoughts dwelt constantly on our relationship. I’d be lucky to go five minutes without thinking about her. Then the ugly reality of my predicament would hit me again, making my stomach lurch. When I would awake in the morning and stumble to the shower, I’d usually have a few minutes of blissful peace. Then the memories would slowly tumble back in and I would lean my head against the wall of the shower in agony. Those first few minutes of ignorance were always wonderful, but of course I could only enjoy them in retrospect.

Nowadays, I go several days at a time without thinking painfully of my past love. Perhaps it’s usually a month or so. Keeping track of my thoughts on the matter doesn’t seem as important as it used to. She still appears occasionally in my dreams and I do savor the visits, but I know that the girl behind the dream is long gone.

My involvement with this girl was of some concern to our mutual friends and family at the time. I heard many theories about what was really going on. Most of them thought I was delusional or least very confused. She did her best to keep herself private from my friends, which contributed further to the impression that I was inventing a relationship where nothing really existed.

So that’s why I am writing this: To give a grand sendoff to my memories. To provide them a dignified final resting place. To wipe my hands of their dust and turn away from true love at long last.

I have tried so hard and now I know I am not as strong as you. To cut myself from every memory and every thought of us may seem stupid and foolish but I am running out of options.

Waitin’ Fears

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So today, I was watching the first and only interview done by Lo Hwei Yen’s husband. As expected, it was definitely an emotional interview, he said certain things about their life, which really took me by surprise. The feeling I got from what he said was that he knew exactly how important she was in his life while they were together. So it got me thinking about an old saying

You don’t know what you have until you lose it

  • But honestly after listening to him, I get the feeling it is not like that. You always know what you have, you just never thought you would lose it……..Sometimes no matter how much you miss someone it’s still wiser not to have that person… back again.
  • Hearts are easily torn but can also be sown together by someone who cares…… Though the scars won’t fade, the stitches will always be there to remind you that someone loves you enough to keep you whole again.
  • Goodbyes make you think…… They make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost and what you’ve taken for granted. They make you realize that sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances….. Makes you reflect about the time you skipped dinner with your gf/wife to watch soccer with the guys cos you knew you would always have dinner with her tmrw…..
  • It’s okay to cry as hard and as long as you want to. Just make sure that when you stop crying, you won’t cry for the same reason anymore.
  • It’s not easy letting go of someone you’ve put everything into. But it’s harder to realize later on that you’ve been holding on to something that wasn’t there… anymore.

Moving on my usual emotional issues:

  • How can we love people who don’t seem to make things worth at all? Why do we become so numb caring for people whom at times don’t even think of us in a day or two? Why do we let ourselves hurt and continue hoping for a love that makes us defenseless?
  • And why do we prioritize these people who only choose us as options? Are these the reasons why sometimes in love we end up losing ourselves? Sad but true…
  • Pain is when you can’t breathe even if your chest still rises and falls……Sadness is when you look out the window and think the rain are your tears……. Loneliness is when you still feel a hand touching yours even if there’s none…… Desperation is when you wait for a message that will never come…. Then love is merely when you experience all those things and still open your heart to that someone.
  • Don’t be bitter and full of hatred when the one you love doesn’t love you the way you love her/him or worst yet lose the one you love…… Ask, listen and let go. Don’t force yourself to understand when you can’t, to fight hard when obviously it’s over and to play deaf to the nagging truth that what you’ve had doesn’t work and won’t work anymore. Instead, say: “I have loved you more than you think I would, but I feel sorry that you’ve lost your chance to be loved more than you would ever feel in your life after this…”
  • In life, we always search for answers because we want to prove ourselves that we had the right decisions but the truth is we can’t search for what is not there……. Things happen because it is meant to happen. That’s why we forgive people even if they hurt us, we love people who don’t love us and we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts……. At the end of the day, the lesson you get are the answers to your decisions.
  • When something is over, don’t always think that it can start again. When it’s broken, you can’t always put back all the pieces… life is not the way you want it to be, when you know that someone is hurting you so much, just stop! It hurts a lot, but you must learn to let go. Don’t’ push yourself too hard, just remember that in every ending, there’s such a thing that we call… beginning.
  • Sometimes you need to set things free even though it’s hard. Things may not be the same but soon you’ll see that what you did is far better than before.

Emotional Detachment

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Really end of the day we have to choose between truth and happiness. There is no inbetween…. if your fortunate both of them would be same but that rarely happens. What tilts us towards happiness and blinds us from the most obvious….. Its emotional attachment… Only through emotional detachment can we really understand the world better…. Of course, I don’t want anyone to confuse emotional detachment with being willfully cold and unpleasant to people…. This has been a common misconception among people so this post is gonna try to explain.

Emotional detachment, in psychology, can mean two different things. In the first meaning, it refers to an inability to connect with others emotionally, as well as a means of dealing with anxiety by preventing certain situations that trigger it. In the second sense, it is a type of mental assertiveness that allows people to maintain their boundaries and psychic integrity when faced with the emotional demands of another person or group of persons.

What I am talking about is the second type:

This type can be described  as a positive and deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. It is often applied to relatives and associates of people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding. A simple example might be a person who trains himself to ignore the “pleading” food requests of a dieting spouse. It is not to be confused with being wilfully cold or unpleasant, because it is a positive mental attitude. Therefore, these individuals do not have unemotional personality as most assume and are not really totally closed off to emotions. Rather, they have trained their minds to be able to switch on and off their emotions as and when needed i.e. one is in control of his/her emotions and not vice versa.

This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to manipulate or be overwhelmed by such feelings.

Ok fine…… You may ask ‘How do I really achieve this?’. I have three simple principles that I adopt from the teachings of Buddhism, which has really worked for me:

Recognition: A basic principle is that you cannot experience freedom and spaciousness unless you recognize what is happening. The more you learn to recognize the range of your emotions, including the most subtle, the more you will become familiar and comfortable with them, and the less you will be in their thrall.

Something I do is naming these emotions….. A steady and relaxed labeling of the emotion of the moment, e.g., “joy,” “anger,” “frustration,” “happiness”, “boredom,” “contentment”, “desire,” and the like, encourages us to stay present with what is central in our experience. Naming can also help us become calm and less entangled with the emotion, less identified with it or reactive to its presence.

Acceptance: This does not mean condoning or justifying certain feelings. It means simply allowing emotions to be present, whatever they may be. Many people frequently judge and censure their feelings. One must practice unconditional acceptance of our emotions. This does not mean expressing emotion, but letting emotions move through you without any inhibitions, resistance, or encouragement.

Investigation: This entails dropping any fixed ideas we have about an emotion and looking at it afresh. Emotions are composite events, made up of bodily sensations, thoughts, feelings, motivations, and attitudes. Investigation is not analysis, but more a sensory awareness exercise of feeling our way into the present moment experience of the emotions. It is particularly useful to investigate the bodily sensations of an emotion, letting the body be the container for the emotion,. In a sense, the body is a bigger container than the thinking mind which is easily exhausted, and which tends to spin off into stories, analysis, and attempts to fix the situation – away from acceptance of the present moment experience.

Trust me…. emotional detachment provides one with a perspective of life that a majority of humans could never comprehend.