Tag Archives: philosophy

Sacred Haven

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I quote from the words of a great philosopher about man’s sacred haven;

We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed.

The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are *men.* We are different.

We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes *on*.

When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut *recreationally*. We don’t know how to get excited about… really, *really* boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, *what* in the name of God’s *ass* is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that?

So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this… fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile..

Man’s feeble pleasures ……

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Do you know what arses are? Arses are the human races’ favourite thing. We like them on each other. We like them on magazine covers. We even like them on babies. When we’re alone we like to scratch them. When there’s a fire, we like to warm them and who among us hasn’t, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle? We love our arses.

Even god knew its importance….When God gave us our arses he had to stick them around the back just so that we wouldn’t sit and stare at them all day. ‘Cos when God made the arse he didn’t say, ‘hey it’s not your basic hinge, lets knock off early.’

He said, ‘behold ye angels I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, man and woman shall grab hold of these and shout my name.

Thinking about it, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at arses.

When man invented fire, he didn’t say, “Hey, let’s cook.”  He said, “Great, now we can see naked arses in the dark.”  As soon as Caxton (another man) invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of, hey, naked arses!  When Larry G. Roberts (a man again) created the internet…. First thing we did was to turn it into an enormous international database of naked arses.